I went shopping today with my mom and when we walked past one of the shops, I saw this stature of The Joker from the Batman movie. God, it freaked me out so much! I didn't see it at first and it really scared the crap out of me. It looked so real! I took a picture from it with my cellphone, so here it is:



It looks real doesn't it? So freaky! :-)

I haven't written in here for a long time. So much stuff has happened in these past couple of months and I kind of lost myself for a while. Things have finally started to settle down and I'm finding my way again, but it's not easy. I'll write more about it later.

Xxx Lien

NO CONNECTION WITH THE JOKER

"We’re not seeing any resemblance in this case with The Joker from the latest batman movie.” The solicitor ended all the speculations about resemblances between the killings in Dendermonde and the Batman movie The Dark Knight. The main resemblance would have been the white painted face from the killer, just like The Joker. But now it became clear that the killer didn’t paint his face, but that he just has a very pale skin. They did find make-up in his backpack, but it wasn’t white. He only carried black eye-liner with him. They searched the guy’s house and didn’t find any clue that the Batman movie inspired him to do the gruesome thing he did.

I'm really happy that the killings didn't have anything to do with The Dark Knight. It's sad though, because they still don't know what possessed the guy to do something so gruesome. He obviously has psychological problems. I know it's stupid, but I wouldn't be able to watch the movie again if it inspired him. It would just feel wrong. This is just another case of how wrong some journalist are and how they don't even care. They said that the case was connected with the movie, even though they didn't have any evidence. It was based on rumors and now they turn out to be false. That pisses me off so much. It was the same when Heath Ledger died with the drugs video...

I just wanted to clear this up

xxx Lien

Such a horrible thing happened here today in Belgium. I still can't quite believe it... this lunatic entered a nursery and randomly started stabbing babies. He killed two babies, one adult and wounded 10 other babies and 2 adults. I mean seriously? Is this for real? It can't be, right? Who would do something like that? I feel sick just thinking about it. What is happening to this world?
My mom works in a nursery, and I just couldn't help but think that this could have happened to her. I wouldn't survive that. Those poor innocent little babies... this is sick. I have no words for it. And it gets even more gruesome. The killer had painted his face in black and white, and his hair was painted red. They said that he was carrying a backpack filled with knives, and even an axe. This isn't confirmed though, but that's what they said earlier. Also, the police caught him not long after it happened and they've been interrogating him. Reports say that it's a 20 year old male and that he's acting very strange. He's not cooperating at all and apparently he keeps laughing and toying with the police. Does this ring a bell? It didn't with me at first, but some people pointed out that it looks a lot like The Joker in the last Batman movie The Dark Knight. The insanity, the killing, the laughing, the painted face, the knives... I don't even want to think about it. I saw The Dark Knight a few weeks ago and it blew me away. Heath Ledger did such an amazing job portraying The Joker. Every time he appeared on the screen, I got chills all over my body. He actually frightened me with his pure craziness. I've been hoping ever since that Heath would get nominated for an oscar (which he did), because he was such a talent. I loved the movie and it would be so sad if it was connected with the killing today, because if it is, I'll never be able to enjoy the movie again.
The world is getting sicker by the day and sometimes I'm asking myself what I'm still doing here. Do I really want to live in this insane place? Today really got me thinking. I love kids and when I was younger I was so sure that I wanted to have children of my own one day. But after today, I just don't know. Do I really want to put a little life in this already fucked up world? I really don't know.
I wonder how this is going to end. Is the killer going to be punished for his actions? Is that even possible? There's no death penalty here in Belgium, and most days I'm happy about that, but on days like today I wish there was. Someone so sick doesn't deserve a trial or another chance. Sure, they can always lock him up, but he's still able to have some sort of life. Those little babies and the adult don't have that chance anymore. And the other babies are probably scarred for life, not to mention the parents...
I have no words for this. What a sad sad day... 

I don't know where to start really. It have been 6 unusual months for me with many ups and downs, all because of one guy: R. I fell head over heals for him and believed every word he said. He made me believe that it was finally going to happen, that I was finally going to have a healthy relationship without feeling self-conscious the whole time. And now it's all over, for real this time.

He's had enough apparently, but he's not even man enough to tell me. We had a fight on MSN about two weeks ago and he angrily went offline. I haven't heard from him since and it's pretty obviously that I'm not going to anymore. I sent him a text-message today to ask him if he was finally going to tell me what was wrong, or if he was just going to continue to ignore me. He didn't respond, so I guess I got my answer.

It's not the fact that it's over that is hurting me so much (although that's painful too), but it's the way it ends. He doesn't even respect me enough to tell me that it's over. He can't even look me in the eye and give me a reason. No, he just let's me sit here with so many questions. What did I do wrong? Why wasn't I good enough for him? Why was he even spending time with me? Did it mean something to him, or was I just something to pass the time with? These questions are killing me. They are driving me crazy and I can't seem to stop it. I need answers, but I'm not going to get them.

The thing is, I don't even understand why he was so angry with me. He didn't have a reason to be angry, I did. He's the one who didn't show up last time because he was "sick". He's the one who promised to make it up to me the week after that, but forgot about me because he was having trouble with his girlfriend. If anyone had a right to be angry, it was me. He didn't even try to make things right again, he just pretended like nothing happened and like everything was okay again between us. Things weren't ok, so I told him that, and that's when he got angry and started ignoring me.

I really don't understand the guy. Have I really been that blind and has he been playing me the whole time? Was it all an act? It has to be, right? I just don't have another answer to why he's acting like this. Where's the guy that comforted me when my uncle died? Where's the guy that got angry when someone treated me badly? Where's the guy that went watering my friend's plants with me so he could spend 5 minutes with me? Where's the guy that was so sweet when he asked about what happened to my cheek, and who made me believe for the first time that it didn't matter? Where's the guy that cheered me on so much that I got my license? Where's the guy that comforted me a month ago and told me that I could tell him anything and that we were so much alike? Have I imagined him? Those moments actually happened and I just don't understand. Was it an act? I just wish I knew the answer to that.

So, here I am again, alone and heartbroken. What is it with guys disappearing from my life without saying anything? Seriously, I have so had it with them. Why can't they have the balls to say that it's over? They are so weak. And worst of all, they make me feel so worthless.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I'm crying the whole time and I feel absolutely horrible. I don't know how to get out of this. I'm feeling so worthless and stupid. I'm not happy at all with my life at the moment. It just seems one big joke. I'm 21 years old and I haven't accomplished anything. My life has been hard and sometimes I wonder why I am still fighting. The misery never ends. I have been feeling like this for a long time now, but R. made me forget about it. He made me believe that everything was going to be alright, but now he took all that hope again.

I don't like myself anymore. I used to be proud of who I am, but I'm not anymore. Sometimes I honestly believe that something is wrong with me. On those days, I actually understand R. and the choice that he made. Isn't that horrible? I really don't know what to do with myself. My exams are coming up and I haven't done a thing yet. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this time, and to be honest, I don't even care.

I just want all of this pain to end and for my life to get somewhat normal again. I want to enjoy my life again and wake up with a smile everyday.

And R... he's probably just continuing his phony life. I can't imagine him being hurt because the thing between us has ended. He might even have found someone else already to cheat on his girlfriend with. To be honest, I feel sorry for the guy. My neighbor is a good friend of R. his dad and she's told me all sort of stories. To me, it's pretty obvious that R. is flirting with everyone because he needs confirmation that he's a great guy. He needs it, because he's not happy with himself and his life. So he flirts with everyone that crosses his path. I guess I flattered his ego for liking him. He's going to wake up one day and realize that he's not going to be able to continue his false facade forever. And he'll need some decent friends that day, because it's going to hit him hard. He's spent the holidays with his girlfriend, pretending to be the perfect boyfriend. But he's constantly cheating on the poor girl and he's not even feeling guilty. When I think about that, I really wonder why I still have feelings for him. I guess love really is blind.  

Xxx Lien

 

I wanted to write about the good day that I had today. It was great, up until an hour ago, when R. started talking to me. Why do I let him do this to me? I have no idea. I was so happy before and right now I'm crying. All because of him. I thought that I was stronger than this. I thought that I had finally realized that he isn't the person I thought he was. It still hurts though. He acts like nothing ever happened, while he avoided me for a full week, leaving me crushed and alone. I'm so sick of it.

I had class this morning, and it sounds really stupid, but a few guys there made me realize that I don't deserve to be treated like this. There are a lot of guys who want to talk to me, who want to hang out with me and some who want to date me. They would treat me like a princess and take care of me. I wouldn't have to practically beg them for their attention and they wouldn't cheat on me, or treat me like this.

One guy in particular made me realize this. His name is Bart. I've had class with him before, but we never really talked much. Today, when we had a break, he took a seat next to me and we started talking. We played 'Professor Layton and the curious village' on the Nintendo DS and solved a few riddles together. It sounds stupid, but it was so much fun.

I'm such a mess at the moment. I finally have an answer to my question, but it's not the one I wanted. R. doesn't have feelings for me, heck, he doesn't even give a shit.

I don't understand, I really don't. Maybe it's just me. How can a person be so sweet one week and so cruel the next? Was it really all just a game to him? Was last week just an act? I can't believe that, but I guess I have to. We finally got things out in the open last week. I admitted that I had feelings for him. I cried and he comforted me. I really thought he cared. He looked so concerned that night about me, but now it's like he doesn't give a damn.

He promised me that he would come back the next day to talk some more, but he never showed. He claimed he was sick, and I really wanted to believe him. He promised me that he would make it up to me next week. He didn't show again. I confronted him with it, and the response I got was unbelievable. He said: 'Fuck :-S I'm sorry. I'm having a huge fight with my girlfriend.'

Say what? What am I supposed to answer to that? 'It's okay you forgot about me. Good luck with fixing things between you and your girlfriend?' SERIOUSLY? I really didn't know what to say. I was so angry, but the worst part is, that it also gave me hope. I thought that maybe he was finally going to choose me. What a joke, right? I didn't respond to his message because I didn't know what to say and guess what? I haven't heard from him since. So I'm guessing that he's kissing his girlfriend's ass at the moment, trying to fix their already fucked up relationship. He doesn't give a damn about me and about how I am feeling though. Who cares that he broke my heart and that I spent the last days crying my eyes out? What crushes me the most is that I now realize how much he loves his girlfriend. I didn't think his feelings for her were that strong, because what would he be doing with me then? But he really loves her and he's willing to fight for her.

It's over and it's breaking my heart. He can't just do this. He's been playing with my feelings for 6 months now. 6 months of hope that maybe things would be different this time. Hope that it would finally work out for me. And he just took all of that hope away in one day. Why was he so sweet to me last week if he didn't care?

I really don't understand

 

I went to the Twilight movie premiere on wednesday. I was surprised to see how fast the movie came out here in Belgium. We normally have to wait so much longer.

This is my opinion about the movie. Don't read if you haven't seen the movie and don't want to be spoiled!

 xXx

I honestly don't think it's a bad as people say it is. I even dare to say that I enjoyed it. LOL. I don't know why, but lately it seems 'cool' to say that you hate Twilight. I know that it aren't the most amazing books ever, but I still really like them (apart from Breaking Dawn). I went into the movie theaters with really low expectations. I'd heard many reviews that said the movie sucked, so I didn't expect much from it.

The first part is the worst in my opinion. You can tell that Robert Pattinson didn't really understand Edward's character and actions. I was one of the few people who was really happy when they casted Rob as Edward. I could totally picture him as Edward. In the first half hour of the movie or so, I thought they had made a HUGE mistake by casting him though. He portrayed such a weird Edward! Instead of being flawless and confident, he acted awkward. In the book, he could charm anyone he wanted, but the Edward in the first part of the movie certainly couldn't do that. Because of this, the interactions between him and Bella were really weird. For example: the biology scene. In the book it looked like Edward hated Bella with a passion. In the movie, it looks like Edward is going to throw up because Bella smells. I hated that scene!

It gets better though! I think Rob started acting like the true Edward in the meadow scene. For the first time, I believed it. He seemed confident, charming and scary. And it stayed like that for the rest of the movie. The acting throughout the movie wasn't always perfect, but I expected it to be much worse. Kristin Stewart played a convincing Bella. The chemistry between here and Rob was great in my opinion. 

You have to watch this movie while remembering the information from the book, but without comparing it. You're going to be disappointed when you start comparing. The movie is very different. For example: the kiss scene. Holy crap, I wasn't expecting that! There's so much tension in the air and the kiss is great, but Edward would never kiss Bella like that. The way he 'threw' her on the bed was crazy. It was a hot kiss though :-) 

The movie is pretty funny. People laughed out loud a lot. I have to say they sometimes also laughed when there wasn't supposed to be anything funny about the scene. For example: the biology scene made a lot of people laugh (including myself). The special effects weren't great either, but they weren't bad if you kept in mind that they didn't have a big budget. One of the worst things was Edward sparkling in the sun. Let's just say that it's not at all how I pictured it. I think they could have done a better job with that.   

Although Twilight had many flaws, I still enjoyed it. I thought some scenes really rocked and I loved seeing them come to life on the screen. One of my absolute favourite characters in the movie was Charlie. Billy Burke did a great job. What I also loved was the music in the movie. I went to the movie with a guy would had never read the books, and he didn't hate the movie. He didn't love it, but he certainly didn't hate it.

It snowed here today!!! I used to be so happy when it snowed, because it always seemed very magical. I have to say that I didn't like the snow as much today though. I went to a girl from class today, to make an assignment for school and I took the car. When I left my house, it was snowing only a little bit so I didn't think much of it. We were both so focused on our school work, that we didn't notice that it started to snow harder and harder. By the time I had to leave, the roads were full of snow.

I have my drivers licence for 5 months now and I'd never driven in the snow before. It wasn't a nice experience to say the least! I had only driven a couple of meters when my car suddenly slipped. I was driving really slowly and carefully, so I was shocked when it did that. Fortunately, I managed to get control over it just in time and continued my way. I had to cross a bridge over a railway, which was hell. At first, I was worried that I wouldn't get to the top of the bridge. I was relieved when I finally got there, but then I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to stop when going down. I have never been so scared in a car before! When I was almost home, I slipped again, but luckily I didn't hit anything. Then I was horrified to find out that there wasn't any free parking space, so I called my brother and asked him if he could park the car for me. There was no way that I was driving that thing even further and park it. Fortunately all ended well. I'm glad I had the experience, but man was I scared :-) I'm not driving through the snow anymore. It was so dangerous on the road. My brother actually told my mom that she had to tell me that I couldn't drive, but she didn't listen to him. I'm touched that my brother was worried about me like that. He can be such a sweetie sometimes.

I tried to take some pictures from the snow, but it was too dark already. My photography teacher would kill me if he saw these. They are so bad :-) They were both taken at the same time, but I photoshopped the one on the right. For some reason it turned a bit pink. I'm definitely a photoshop rookie :-)
 

The whole R. situation is even more a mess than it was last week. I haven't seen him anymore. He was going to come over on Thursday, but he said he was sick. I really want to believe him, but I don't know. I guess there's always this doubt in the back of my mind. I haven't heard from him all weekend. Today someone said something about him to me and now I'm wondering if it's true. She's said that R. tried to hit on her daughter a few months ago. The problem is that I don't know if I can trust her. I don't think I can, but I can't help but think about what she said. Today was definitely a bad day for me, as was the whole weekend.

I need to get out of this, because it's like nothing else matters to me anymore. I need to get my act together before the start of my exams. I'm feeling seriously heartbroken for the first time in my life. Sure, I've been sad before about a guy, but not like this. I really like R. and it's serious for me. I just don't think he's taking it as serious as me. On the other hand, why is he still around if he didn't care a bit? Why was he so sweet to me on Wednesday?

I'm so sick of this uncertainty. I keep wondering what's true and what not. It's exhausting and I'm tired of it. I just wish someone would tell me the truth for once.

Xxx Lien

I have so many things to say, but I just don't know where to start. I had a fight last week with R.. I was just so fed up with his behavior and asked him what he wanted from me and if it was just a game to him. He was pretty shocked when I said that and we argued. I went to bed feeling furious and hurt. The next day, when we had both calmed down a bit, we talked about it again. I told him that I felt like he would only meet up with me when he was bored and when he didn't have any better offers. He told me that isn't true at all and that he really likes spending time with me. We made up, but things were still a bit shaky.

He came over last night. We hadn't seen each other for two weeks and I was quite nervous. Not because I was going to see him, but because I didn't know how I was going to act. To be honest, I still felt mad and hurt. He was the one to ask if we could meet up this time. Just before he came over, my dad acted really stupid. He was drunk again and made me feel horrible. I was in tears half an hour before R. came over and I did my best to get myself together again.

Things were kind of weird at first, like we didn't know what to say to each other. But after an hour or two, things were normal again. We started cuddling and one thing led to another. Before things got too far, I stopped him and asked him what he wanted from me. He didn't really reply to that, so I asked him if he did this with all his friends, to which he replied no. The air around us turned really uncomfortable all of a sudden, and he said that he needed to go home. I was so mad when he said that. Okay, it was late and he had class in the morning, but he couldn't just leave after what had happened. I agreed though and walked him to the door without looking at him.

We stood at the door for a moment and it was obvious that neither of us knew what to do. He asked me if I was alright and I shook my head. I wasn't alright at all. He then asked if I wanted him to hug me, or if he needed to leave me alone. It was incredibly cute, but I was too angry/sad to even notice it at that moment. He said again that he needed to go home, but I told him that I didn't want him to leave like that. Things were obviously wrong between us and I wanted to sort it out. I was so afraid that if I let him leave at that moment, that I would never hear from him again.

The next thing I knew, we were hugging each other. I just held him tightly, not wanting to let him go. He then surprised me by asking if he could come back inside so we could talk about it some more. We went back inside and took a seat on the couch again. We sat there for a long time without saying anything. To be honest, I didn't know what to say anymore. I felt so confused. He asked me what was wrong, but I didn't really answer him and he said 'you're good at not answering questions and ignoring them. But that doesn't work with me. I'm the same like you, so I know what you're doing.'  

I asked him if he had any idea about why I felt sad and he said 'yeah, I think it has something to do with us'. I was so happy when he said that, that he knew what it was about. I asked him why he was spending time with me and he told me again that he really liked me. He said 'if I didn't like you as much as I do, I would never have done those stupid things with you like watering Evy's plants.' I then asked him if he knew why I was spending time with him. He was quiet for a minute and then said 'because I think you have some sort of feelings for me'. He said it in the cutest way, but I don't know the proper translation. He said it in such a careful way, like he was afraid to say the wrong thing. He asked me if he was wrong, but I shook my head again and said that he was right.

Things turned serious after that. He asked me why I had been so scared to tell him that. I told him that I was afraid for his reaction and that I didn't want him to look at me any differently. He promised me that he wouldn't and that I shouldn't worry about it. He then asked if he needed to stop with all the touching and stuff and if I wanted to be just friends. I told him that I didn't knew what I wanted and then IT happened; I started crying. I couldn't hold back anymore. I just realized that he didn't feel the same about me. He never said that he had some sort of feelings for me, only that he really liked me.

Fortunately, it wasn't hysteric crying or anything, just tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't dare to look at him anymore and just looked the other way. He then wrapped his arm around me and pulled me against his chest. He just let me cry while holding me tightly. When I had calmed down, he asked if I was feeling a bit better, but he continued to hold me. It felt so good being in his arms. I didn't want the moment to end. He then asked me if something else was bothering me, because I had said earlier that I had a lot on my mind. The guy is really good at reading me. It's like he sees right through me. I told him that there were a few other things, but that I didn't want to start crying again. He just pulled me closer again and said 'you shouldn't bottle things up like that, it's not healthy. I should know, because I'm the same as you.' The more he said how similar we are, the more my heart broke. We would be so good together.

He then continued 'I know there are things that you can't tell to just anyone, but you should know that you can me tell me anything you want. You don't have to, but just know that you can'. He was so incredibly sweet. I don't even have words for it. This is why I like him so much. Sometimes he's the sweetest guy I have ever met. He didn't have to stay and cope with the emotional me, but he did. He did more than that too. He said that he's going to come back today so we can talk some more. I honestly expected him to run away, but he didn't. I told him that he needed to go home (it was nearly 4 AM by then), but he said that he hated leaving me like that and he asked if there was anything he could do.

I'm even more confused than before. My feelings for him have only become stronger after last night. It's not just a simple crush anymore, I really care about the guy. And because I care so much about him, I only want to see him happy. If his girlfriend makes him happy, then I wish them all the best. He's not having the most easy time right now, but just like me, he's used to hiding that. I'm still confused about his feelings though. He has to care about me, right? Otherwise he wouldn't have been there for me yesterday. Sometimes I think he has feelings for me too. Yesterday, there was this moment where we started in each others eyes for a really long time, and I though for a second that he was going to kiss me. Maybe that's just wishful thinking from my part though.

I wonder what's going to happen tonight (if he doesn't changes his mind and cancels).

xxx Lien

I made a mistake on Sunday, or maybe not. I don't really know.

I saw R. again. I knew that it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I couldn't help it.  I went to his house, even though I knew we would be alone there. 

So, we finally kissed and things kind of escalated from there... we didn't sleep together, but things went too far. I don't really regret what has happened, because I obviously wanted it, but I do regret the situation. It's not right what we did. I don't know how he feels about it. Thinking about cheating on your girlfriend and actually cheating are two different things, and he definitely cheated on his girlfriend.
 
But here comes the real joke. The day after it happened, I didn't hear from him for most of the day. This is really unusual and I feared that he might regret things. He finally came online in the evening, but by then I was pissed because he basically ignored me the whole day. We didn't have a fight, but things were awkward and I haven't heard from him since.

I can't believe that this is happening. Is he going to ignore me again? I feel hurt. Either he regrets thing or he thinks I regret things because I acted kind of cold towards him. Or he's just playing me. I so hate this feeling of uncertainty.

The kiss was nice... real nice. I really like the guy, but I don't understand how he feels about me. If he would feel the same thing for me, as I feel for him, he would have left his girlfriend long time ago. But if he was in it just for sex, then he wouldn't have stayed around for 5 months. I don't know what's going to happen next, and to be honest, I don't even know what I want. It's all so confusing.

Xxx Lien

 

Rossi did it! He claimed his 8th (!) world title last Sunday. I still can't believe it. Yes, he's been very strong and consistent this year, but there were so many other strong riders. I honestly didn't think he would pull it off in Japan, but he did. Once he sets his sight on something, he needs to have it. And he did it with pure class. 
I was in Germany that day, but I didn't want to miss the moment. After all, I've been waiting for this for two long years. Because of the time difference (the race was in Japan) I had to wake up at 6 AM, which is really really early for me, but it was all worth it! He's still the king of MotoGP, no matter what some people say :-) 

OMG! I totally had class with Edward from Twilight today. And no, I'm not crazy! I had my first Photoshop class today and when I looked to the front of the class, there he was!

Okay, not really, but it was someone that looked exactly like him. He was like a combination of Robert Pattinson and the Edward in my mind! Seriously, I was in complete awe. Then he suddenly turned around and grinned Edward's famous crooked grin! I had trouble not to start hyperventilating at that point. LOL. What a gorgeous guy! And the best thing is that I have class with him every week from now on. YAY :-)

I'm going to bed now because I'm exhausted. I just felt like sharing that I have an Edward Cullen look-a-like in my class :-)

Xxx Lien